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We got you!

We got you like those before us got you too.

Using tried and tested, nay, trite and testing techniques that litter the internet in a bid to boost ad revenue for the click-bait sites of the world. Generally seen as the preserve of ‘international’ advertorialism, ranging from Buzzfeed on the slightly better end of the scale all the way to those links you get on the dodgy streams you’re watching the game on. You know…

Top 10 weight loss tips blog – Janine read our blog and you wouldn’t believe happened to her next…

I’d hazard a guess that Janine doesn’t exist, she never has – she’s a stock image* coupled with a state of mind – but if she did exist and did read that blog, well her sad existence continued endlessly unchanged. Ever so slightly marred by popped adverts cleverly warning her that her precise computer was under threat of attack by some malevolent computer wizard or that she too could get involved with the latest reverse funnel scheme – definitely not a pyramid scheme™.

Sadly, this approach makes sense in our hellish consumerist internet. These websites with a global approach can undoubtedly make a few coins off this methodology due to the numbers they’re targeting but for those with just local or limited scope, what’s the point? Yet we’re seeing the rise of niche and regional sites – with limited visits and accessibility – adopting the sluice-of-shit clickbait and sponsor ad approach to content creation… and we remain stupid enough to click. Whilst these sites are technically connected to the same internet with a global reach:

1 – Google does a relatively good job of compartmentalising and regionalising the internet and results.

2 – Who in, say Damascus**, is wanting to find out about the top 10 light-bites restaurant in the greater Tyneside area?

So, why is it happening?

This phenomenon shouldn’t be used on a local level (or any level, in an ideal world), it just doesn’t make much economic sense. Even outside of a sort of moral dislike for it, the whole premise behind this advertising is that it relies on creating something of worth that people will seek out, there is no worth in this clickbait methodology and Google, our internet arbiter, will inevitably come to punish people for this stuff. Just like they punished those with old-hat SEO sham websites who repeated keywords ad nauseum in order to get their spiel to the top.

In terms of local spiel, Signature Living’s blog is the gift that keeps on giving in this instance. Firstly, their need to improve their visibility as a hotelier in the city with a local blog isn’t really necessary. They’re in the process of owning every empty building in the city with a view to turning it into some homogenised black velvet vodkat-themed nightmare. If you want to come and stay in Liverpool, you’re likely to have to stay there. Monopolies do not need to advertise, market or resort to clickbait.

Alternatively, it’s hard to see their articles as a benevolent donation to the city either, especially with titles like;

25 Amazing Things Joe Anderson Did for Liverpool in 2015

An article that stops just short of saying praise be unto Joe Anderson for he lived in Liverpool this past year and it was good. The article belittles the impact of the council as whole in any of the positive things that happened last year. It also doesn’t necessarily highlight many “amazing” things either, such as:

  • Keeping the bombed-out church in public hands.
    It is indicative of a city willing to sell off everything that this would be amazing. It is literally the bare minimum.
  • Various speculative train station plans
    Plans are only plans. It’s not amazing – in and of itself – and sadly there is still plenty of time for further government cuts to affect these plans negatively.
  • Creating provisions to receive 100 Syrian refugees
    This isn’t a bad thing but in a city of about half a million (far more in the metropolitan area) it’s hardly
    amazing. It’s slightly less than the bare minimum.

Number 18 is a particular favourite of mine. What is amazing about that? To say he did this ‘personally’ implies the rest of the things weren’t entirely him anyway. Moved cones… Amazing? I don’t know.

…I don’t know. I don’t know what this is any more. I realise that everything written has as little value as anything I am criticising, so I’ll leave you with this…

Clickbait debunked

There is no such thing as miracle weight loss
The more you move and the less you eat will see you lose weight – It’s simple chemistry.

There is no shortcut to getting rich
Work hard, work even harder and then – crucially – be lucky and you may become well off. Bill’s $10 ebook with tips on how he now sleeps on a solid gold bed isn’t real, it’s just giving Vlad $10 to fund some ex-soviet grey market.

Amazonian herbs won’t make your cock bigger or stop you going off so quick
Go to the doctors if it doesn’t work properly.

…and you won’t believe what happened next.
You probably will believe it, in fact, you may not believe why you wasted your time reading it.


*No, Janine is actually Annabelle, a stock-photo model who posed for one photo titled Stress and is now forever linked with; ED, gambling debts, miracle weight loss and working from home. Annabelle always wanted to be an artist.
** I suppose – depending your political persuasion – you may argue that they’re doing the research for their new home. With them being economic migrants… rather than refugees fleeing Islam’s best attempt at realising a Mad Max-style dystopia. Potato – Potato.