Once upon a time, on another pure grey morning, Jake Bugg left his house in Sherwood Forrest (or wherever the fuck).

He was on the way to buy a new capo so he could start writing his critically acclaimed debut album, when all of a sudden; he walked straight into the path of a lightening bolt. As the voltage coarsed through him, something peculiar happened. The electricity transformed this meek singer song writer into the best thing to happen to popular music since Kate Nash.

That isn’t actually Mr. Bugg’s origin story. In fact, what probably happened is someone at Mercury Records saw him play his watery drivel and thought that it was exactly the type of trash that could make them very rich.

Jake has an awful habit of opening his mouth, on stage and off. On stage, his mouth-flapping results in tedious re-hashes of stuff that was bollocks to begin with. Off stage he lambasts the wider music industry for being boring or crap, safe in the knowledge that his music will live on for time immemorial. His statements are widely accepted anyway, hardly dangerous and so obvious that I wouldn’t be surprised if he started having a go at the sun for only working half the time. His criticism, is a lot like his music though; in that it has been said and done a thousand times before and a thousand times better.

His feud with One Direction is a good indication that we are living in the most boring period of popular culture since modern man busied itself by drawing pictures of animals on cave walls. He  used his razor wit to attack 1D for not writing their own songs. Oooh, burn!

Jake, you silly bint, I fail to see the distinction between writing and performing shit pop songs and singing someone else’s shit pop songs. Iain Archer co-wrote 8 songs off your debut album anyway you pretentious cunt, so stop acting as if you pulled these lyrics from a burning bush after God told you storm the charts.

He then criticized the Brit Awards; saying that he’d rather not go and that the actual event is pretty boring when you have to watch all those those crap acts perform. He said that as he was on the way to the Brits. Can you believe the nerve of this vacuous bastard? Do you know who else thinks the Brits is shit Jake? David Bowie. He didn’t turn up even though HE WON THE AWARD YOU FUCKING WANTED.

The final straw, which in my mind tipped Bugg from mildly annoying to worse than a wasting disease, was his recent appearance on American Idol. This is the same Bugg that previously said it was his job to keep that X Factor shit off the top of the charts. The gall of this shite-meister to then appear on the American analogue of X Factor is off the charts. He even tried to justify his appearance by saying he wanted to experience one for himself. Jake, you can keep saying you’re only tying his shoes; but we can all see you deepthroating the devils dick. You’re not fooling anyone, now wipe your face clean.

Bugg says all this bollocks because he wants to be seen as a stalwart of ‘true’ Rock N’ Roll, but simply playing guitar does not a Hendrix make. By insisting so loudly that he isn’t a corporate shill while exhibiting all the classic signs of being a cookie-cutter-stop-gap major label artist, he’s entered a sort of quantam state where he is simultaneously relevant, and not-relevant. A sort of Schrödinger’s Twat I suppose.

People who live in glass houses…